We'll Try Our Lives Again

[Kaelon N. Reeve]

Chelsea said maybe I should keep a journal. I don't know how well this is going to work, but I'll try for her. She said it might help me to let go of some of what she called my "emotional baggage". I don't know, but she said she was going to try it, too, so I guess I might as well.

I'm not really sure what to write.

It's funny, I've always been the one really taking care of Chelsea, like I was always the strong one standing up to everything, but since we've come here it's kind of been reversed. She's adapted so fast, put everything behind her, no one would ever know that only a few months ago we were living in hell. I guess I've had a harder time doing the same. It's good, though. It's good to see her smile again, like she hasn't a care in the world. She never smiled like that before. Actually... she never really smiled before. Only a few times for real. And the rest were fake. Or drug-induced... God the drugs... I remember what they used to give me... They'd have to strap me down to a gurney just to get the stuff in me, inject it because I wouldn't swallow it. Never any sedatives unless I was causing trouble, but that stuff burned in my gut like fire, I couldn't breathe it hurt so bad. And the nightmares--no, I'm not even going to start on the nightmares.

Ugh. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I don't know.

I'm still not really sure what to do with a journal, what do I put in it?

I'll talk to Chelsea again. Ask her what I should write here. (She's had classes all day anyway, I'm dying to see her, I think maybe we'll go down by the lake. Swim maybe.)

-Kaelon Reeve

[Kaelon N. Reeve]

(You know what I realized? this is the first time I've ever signed an unofficial document with my name, instead of "Rockstar". Maybe Chels is right and I am starting to come out of my shell.)

[Kaelon N. Reeve]

I wonder why this all keeps coming back to me. It's so strange to live the way I do now, so soon after living in the detention center, to not have to worry all the time and actually be able to sleep because I don't have to spend every second waiting, watching and listening for the guards, nurses, or delinquents roaming the hallways for whatever reason. I never did figure out why Leila never left her office. I remember I always used to have to go visit her, and she always fussed at me when I messed up my brace.

Speaking of which, my wrist has been bothering me a bit recently. I don't think it's anything major, though, just an ache, like it does from time to time.

...I remember the first time I spoke to Chelsea. Actually, it was sort of because of my wrist. Trakkat (don't get me started on him) was stalking her down the hallway, waiting for a chance to jump on her. I was actually walking to the bathroom (bags and everything. I've only recently gotten out of the habit of carrying everything with me!) when I saw him, and her a few steps later. Needless to say, I knew exactly what he was doing. Dropped everything: guitar, bag, so on and so forth, and pretty much just ran, leaped and tackled him. We got into a short scuffle, and he managed to get his hand caught on my brace and tore it off. I didn't even notice until after I'd managed to knock him out and went back to pick up my stuff-- with my right hand. I hate the fact that I can't use it properly; anything that puts any sort of strain on it hurts like all getout and could potentially cause lower arm to need amputation, so.... Ugh. In any case, I had to go get my brace put back (another tiresome thing, I can't put it on by myself.) on, and I wanted to have Chelsea checked over just in case, so I told her to come with me. I knew who she was--I knew everyone in that place--but I forgot she didn't know me; naturally, she refused, unwilling to trust anyone. At least, she refused until I told her that if Trakkat had even touched her once, she could potentially die. ...Chelsea cooperated then, but proceeded to harangue me all the way down to Leila's office.

"And exactly where are we going?"
"To see the only employee here I trust."
"And you are?"
"Rockstar."
"...Rockstar. That's it? What, are you to high and mighty to even tell me your name?!"
"That is my name, to everyone who doesn't know me."
She glared at me.
"And why should I trust you, after seeing you randomly attack another student!"
"Because that 'other student' was most likely going to attempt to knock you out, drag you off, and have hs way with you. And don't say you could hold your own, because, though I don't doubt that you could, I DO doubt that you could hold your own against that particular persona."

She didn't trust me until a long time after that, but after that incident, she did know who I was, and every so often I caught her watching me curiously or suspiciously. She's so different now than from then. She used to be reserved and unstable, easy prey to frustration and depression, and it's wonderful to see her so happy and relaxed now.

Now... for me to do the same. I keep having all these nightmares, memories that I can't stop from rising up when I sleep, and they never fail to get me down, right when the day starts. I don't want to tell Chelsea, I know I already worry her because I can't help being a bit rattled, but I try to relax... She still sees it though, and she keeps asking me if I'm okay. I just think if I told her, I'd freak her out way too much. I know she still hasn't let go of everything, she has her moments where she can't handle life still, and she doesn't need to be bogged down with my problems. I still have to take care of her, protect her, that's always been my job, and it will stay my job, for as long as she wants me near her. I can't be needy like that. (I remember one day when we escaped, when I was... nineteen and she was seventeen, she named me her guardian angel. That still makes me smile. It's so weird to have good memories from those years.)

Ugh, getting on a different subject. I feel like an angsty teenager. Well, maybe I never got over that phase. Maybe I never got the chance. Oh, well.

Teaching so far has proven surprisingly delightful, and the students are so... eclectic, they're all so very individual. I've only had a couple classes so far, but I'm definitely looking forward to the new term, I'll be starting from scratch instead of picking up where Haleigh left off.

-Kaelon

[Kaelon N. Reeve]

I rescued Chelsea from the lake...! I mean, I never liked fishing to begin with (always thought it was boring. Jain used to laugh at me for being able to sit in our room for days on end without moving but not being able to spend ten minutes fishing without getting bored.), but I think that turned me off fishing forever.


-Kaelon